The wind hits against my windowpane.Almost like someone begging to be let in. A lover, perhaps? I’m laughing. Sadly though, at myself.Who am I kidding? Love is not for me. Right now, as far as it goes, love is just a beautiful, exalted mirage.
Now you might be wondering, what does she mean?……. I’ll tell you.
It looks so real, so enveloping, enticing your longing heart, starved of excitement. It offers your heart something to make it beat faster. You reach for an opportunity to experience pure ecstasy, with lilies and roses blooming in you, and butterflies fluttering all over them, making your eyes light up like fireflies, and a warmth spread around your cheeks, so much that they glow.
But just when you are about to grasp, it slips away. That momentary spell, cast upon the subject of your affections, suddenly loses its potency. To him you were loving, caring, submissive…but now all he sees is this over-emotional, clingy person, lacking in self-esteem. He begins to tune out, slowly, until you can reach him no more.
You’re left hurt, confused, and funny enough, lacking in self-esteem. So you decide to toughen up.
“Don’t ever let him know how you feel,”. Your girlfriend says.
“Men are naturally hunters, make them chase,” Mother says.
“We like girls who are feisty,” Your goons (male pals) say.
So you’re equipped, for the next love story. This time, you are feisty, attractively daring. He is drawn to you, so you give him space, make him chase, and have this heady feeling of power. But a few months later, he’s fatigued. He starts cheating. When you find out and confront him, he tells you that you were emotionally unavailable, not feisty as you thought, but irritable, where you thought you were being “attractively daring”, you were simply “testing the limits”. Hmm….He’s not going to leave her though because she’s loving, caring, submissive….Hmmn. And he’s not really sure he was in love with you, attracted maybe, infatuated more like, but not love, sorry. And you’re off again, trying to catch a cloud and pin it down.
So you see what I mean? These are just two of several experiences. But I’m willing to give this elusive love, one last try before I walk away forever. Who knows, maybe love is a hunter, like men. It may chase after my retreating figure, throw me off balance, and make me fall into an oasis of bliss. Maybe then, I will admit, it might not be a mirage after all.